You're coming to your first event. Here's what to expect.
If you're reading this, you've decided to walk into a room full of strangers in a community you're new to, and you're nervous. That's completely normal. We've all done it. The good news: a munch is the easiest possible first step. Nothing is happening that you have to participate in. Nobody will ask anything of you. You're allowed to just be there.
Here's what'll make it smoother.
What a munch is
A clothes-on, conversation-only gathering at a coffee shop or restaurant. Sometimes a back booth, sometimes a reserved section, sometimes just a corner table. Daytime or early evening. Nothing scene-y happens. No props, no toys, no public play. It's people in the community meeting each other in public, on purpose.
A wet munch is the same idea at a bar — slightly later, lower lights, maybe a little louder. Same vibe.
What to wear
Whatever you'd wear to meet a friend for coffee or drinks. Comfortable clothes. Nothing kink-y or scene-y (those are for play events, not public ones). You don't need to dress up unless you want to.
If you're worried about looking out of place: you won't. We range from t-shirts to button-downs to whatever-you-rolled-out-of-bed-in. Nobody is checking.
What to bring
- An ID. 21+ is required for any event, public or private. ID gets checked.
- Enough cash or card to cover your own food and drinks. We don't subsidize public events — you order your own meal/coffee/drink and pay your own tab.
- An open mind and zero expectations. Especially for the first one. You're scouting, not auditioning.
What NOT to bring:
- Anyone who isn't there to be part of the community (a curious friend who "just wants to see" is for a different time)
- Anything scene-y — toys, gear, props
- A camera or recording device. Photography is not allowed at any event without explicit consent of everyone in frame.
What to expect when you walk in
There'll be a host (a community member running the event), and probably a Welcome Crew person whose specific job is to greet you. You'll spot the group — usually clustered around a few tables or a booth.
If you said yes to being matched with a mentor, your mentor will be there and looking for you. They'll have told you how to spot them (e.g., "I'll be at the back booth, blue sweater"). If you didn't get matched, the host or Welcome Crew is your first contact.
Walk up. Say "Hi, I'm here for the munch." Someone will introduce you around. The conversation will already be in motion; you can join in or just listen for a bit.
How to introduce yourself
Use whatever name you want to go by here. Most people use a scene name (a name distinct from their legal one). You don't have to pick one before your first event — "I'm new, you can call me [first name]" is fine. You can pick a scene name later if you want.
You don't owe anyone your story. Not your kinks, your relationship situation, your day job, why you're here, what brought you to this point. Share what you want to share; "still figuring it out" is a complete answer.
What you don't need to do or say
- You don't need to know any vocabulary. If someone uses a word you don't know, ask. People love explaining.
- You don't need to have a kink or know what your kink is. Some of our members are figuring this out at 50.
- You don't need to commit to anything — applying, classes, future events. A munch is "I came to one munch." That's all it has to be.
- You don't need to be funny, charming, or interesting. You just need to be present.
- You don't need to stay the whole time. See "the out" below.
Practical things
Age. 21+ for every event, public or private. ID gets checked. If you forgot yours, the host may ask you to step out.
Drinking. Wet munches happen at bars and drinking is part of it; pace yourself. Munches at coffee shops, you order coffee or whatever the venue serves. We don't have rules about how much you can have at a public event, but we do have a rule about play events — zero alcohol until play is over for the night. Different bar, different night.
Food. Order whatever you want. We don't have a "everyone orders the same thing" rule. Pay your own tab at the end.
Conversation topics. The conversation runs the gamut — sometimes kink-related, often not. At any public venue we're conscious of nearby tables, so explicit conversation gets steered back to the venue. If a topic veers somewhere you'd rather not engage with, just step out for a minute or pivot the conversation. Anyone there will pivot with you.
Touching. Even casual touch — a hand on a shoulder, a hug — requires asking. This is one of the things you'll see modeled around you. It's a habit worth picking up early.
If something's off. The host or any Welcome Crew member is your channel. Pull them aside. If something happened that you want to follow up on after the event, the report form or
The out
You can leave whenever. The munch runs 1.5–2.5 hours. If you've had enough at the 30-minute mark, you've had enough. Catch the host's eye, say "I'm heading out, thanks," and go. Nobody will be offended. Nobody will think you didn't like it.
If you want to slip out without making a thing of it, you can also just leave. The host or your mentor may follow up via message to make sure you're okay; you don't owe them a long answer.
Aftercare for your nervous system
Walking into a new community is a lot. Even a low-key one. You may notice that you're more tired than you expected, more wired, or both. That's normal.
- Eat something. Adrenaline burns through blood sugar faster than you'd think.
- Plan a soft landing. Don't go from the munch to an intense plan. Go home, watch something silly, take a bath, call a friend who knows you're doing this and just needs the "I went, I survived" check-in.
- Don't replay every interaction. You'll remember things you said that you wish you'd said differently. Everyone does. None of those people will remember those things tomorrow.
- If you want to come back, come back. We have a munch most months. The next one will be there.
If you didn't have a good time, that's okay too. Not every community is for every person. We'd rather you tried it once and found it wasn't for you than spent six months wondering.
Questions before your first event? Email