References — And What to Do If You Don't Have Any

# References — And What to Do If You Don't Have Any

*Off The Traxx — ott-dungeon.com*

If you've applied (or you're thinking about it) and you don't have
references lined up, this page is for you. References are part of how we
vet, but not having them is not a dead end — we built paths around it on
purpose. Here's why we ask, what counts, and how to get fully vetted
either way.

## Why we ask for references

Our ID verification and the public sex offender registry check do two
useful things: they confirm you're the person showing up at the door, and
they surface anything documented in the public record. But we're honest
about the limits of that — most harm in the scene is never reported and
never reaches a conviction, so a clean record is not a promise of safety.

References get at the thing a database can't show: how you actually treat
people. How you handle a "no." How you negotiate. What happens when
something goes sideways. Someone who has spent real time around you can
speak to that, and that's why references are the most valuable single part
of the whole process. It's the same standard we'd want applied to
ourselves before letting a stranger into a room with us.

## How many we need

One or two is enough. You can list more if you like — up to five total per
application — but quality matters far more than quantity. One person who
genuinely knows you is worth more than three who barely do.

## What makes someone a good reference

The strongest references are people who have known you for a while, in
more than one setting, and can speak to specifics — not just "yeah, I know
them," but how you actually show up.

A few things worth knowing:

- **They don't have to be a member here.** Someone from a scene or
  community you came from works fine, as long as we can actually reach
  them and they're legitimate.
- **They don't have to be local.** Out-of-area references count.
- **They don't have to be into kink.** The form we send them doesn't
  mention kink at all (more on that below). A reference just needs to be
  able to speak to your character — how you treat people, how you handle
  boundaries and consent.

Weak references are the opposite: someone you met last week, or someone
who can only confirm you exist. They don't hurt you, but they don't tell
us much either.

## If you don't have references yet

This is common, especially for people new to the area, new to the scene,
or coming out of a long-term private dynamic — and it is not a no. We say
on our vetting page that we don't want this step to gatekeep newcomers
unfairly, and we mean it.

The path without references comes down to **more time and more eyes, not a
lower bar.** In practice it usually looks like some mix of:

- **Coming to a few munches** so a couple of our vetters can meet you in
  person. You're going to come to a munch before your first play night
  anyway — for you, these do double duty.
- **Doing the free classes and quizzes,** which open the moment you apply
  and count toward your path in. Time spent waiting on references isn't
  dead time.
- **A probationary first few months,** where you're a member and you come
  to events while we get to know each other, with a check-in partway
  through.
- **References from a community you came from,** if you have any we can
  reach.

The door isn't closed. It just takes a little longer, and we get to know
you a different way.

## How to find references

Honestly, you find references here the same way you find everything else:
show up.

Our public events — munches, wet munches, weekday lunches, public dinners
— are open to anyone, vetted or not, no application required. Come to a
few. Over a couple of months you'll meet people who can genuinely speak to
who you are.

It's also worth reconnecting with people from before: a group or venue you
used to be part of, an online community where you're known, someone you've
played with elsewhere, an organizer who remembers you. Any of them can be
a reference. You don't need a long list — one or two people who actually
know you is the goal.

## How to add references after you've applied

You don't have to start your application over. Log in and go to your
**application status page** — you can add references there at any time, up
to five total.

For each one, give us a name and a way to reach them:

- **If you give an email address,** our system sends them a short
  standardized form — about five minutes. The subject line is simply
  *"Reference request from [your scene name],"* the email identifies us as
  Off The Traxx, and it **does not mention kink, BDSM, or dungeons
  anywhere.** Their answers come straight back to us, encrypted and
  visible only to vetters. (Heads up: that link expires after 14 days, so
  it helps if they're expecting it.)
- **If you give a non-email contact** — FetLife, Signal, a phone number —
  a vetter reaches out personally instead. It'll show as "pending" on your
  status page until they do.

Prefer to handle it by email? You can also write to [email protected]
and we'll help.

## Why we ask you to tell your references first

When you add a reference, we ask you to confirm you've already given them a
heads-up before the form will go through. Please actually do it — here's
why it matters.

A reference who gets an out-of-nowhere email about a "private social club"
they've been named for is put in an awkward spot, and it's a bad first
impression of us. We keep that email deliberately vague — no mention of
kink — because inboxes are sometimes shared and we will never out anyone.
But a vague email from a club you didn't know you were listed for is still
unsettling if it arrives as a surprise.

A heads-up also gives your reference a graceful way to opt out privately,
rather than feeling cornered. And people who know it's coming tend to write
more thoughtful, more honest responses — which is exactly what helps your
application.

It doesn't take much. Something like:

> "Hey — I'm joining a private group and listed you as a reference. They
> might email you a short form. Totally fine to ignore it if you'd rather
> not."

That's all it takes.

## Questions

Email **[email protected]** — anything about your application, the
process, references, or appeals goes there, and "how does this even work"
questions are welcome too. We'd rather answer than have you guess.